What is the funniest joke ever?

Several attempts have been made to determine the all-time funniest jokes. In the early days of the 21st century, a British psychologist named Dr. Richard Wiseman (yeah, right) from the University of Hertfordshire launched a website where people could rate and submit jokes. He received more than 40,000 submissions and almost two million ratings from people around the world who apparently were trying to avoid doing their real jobs. The highest-rated joke follows:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" written by beavus and butt head

Monty Python's Flying Circus did a sketch about the "Funniest Joke in the World" in which a writer named Ernest Scribbler wrote down a joke so funny that he instantly died of laughter:

Made by Samantha Samander: One time there was this guy that worked at Dunking Donuts when he was passing by these kids said "where so hungry mister could we have some more DONUTS?" then the man said okay then the kids got all the donuts and said we will also lvoe a big donut and the man dident know what that meant then they saw the kids on the sighn big 3D donut and the man was like OH MY ******* MOTHER GOD so they meant that donut.

"All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in the hospital."

Back in the United States, the magazine GQ decided to make a mockery of the many "all-time greatest" lists being produced on the eve of the millennium by ranking the75 Funniest Jokes of All Time. The magazine solicited input from dozens of comedians and TV writers, including Larry David, Larry Gelbart, Dick Cavett, and Al Franken. In the magazine's top ten were such classics as:

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" --Steven Wright

back

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A chinese man, american man, greenland man and austrailian were drinking at a bar and were toasting to thier country for the new millenium . The chinese man said" toast for the great impenetrable wall of china" then the man from greenland said" toast for the great green grass of greenland and let it stay green forever" then the american man said" toast for the great flag of america" then the australian man said " thank the lord for the great australian kangaroo for kicking down the wall of china ******* on the green grass of greenland and for wiping his ass with the american flag.
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There were four guys going on a road trip and they were driving through the desert. While they were driving the car broke down and they needed to jump start the car. They saw a farm in the distance down the road and so they walked to the farm. As they got near the front door a old man jumps out pointing a shotgun at them saying" what are you doing here on my property" they say" our car broke down and we need to jump start it" the old man laughs and says" if you want to survive run to the back and get the first fruit you see and come back, you got 20 seconds and don't even think about running away okay GO!" they ran to the back and got fruits. One guy comes back with a apple and the old man tells him to take of his pants and he will stuff the fruit up him ******* and if he laughs he will shoot him. he laughs and the man shoots him. Next guy come with a cucumber and the old man says" i said fruit" and shoots him too. The next guy comes with a cherry and the old man says if he laughs when he stuffs the fruit up his ass he will kill him. He laughs and the old man kills him. In heaven the three of them talk about why they laughed, they noticed that the forth guy had survived and the last guy was still laughing. They asked him " Why are you still laughing?" " Because i saw him running up with a watermelon!".
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There was these 3 guys. They were named Shutup, Manners and Poop. Manners was picking up Poop from school. Shutup got pulled over by a cop. The cop says "Whats your name sir?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Whats your name?" "Shutup." "Wheres your manners boy?" "Over there picking up poop." - Jake Cost

my grandfather died in a nazi concentration camp. he fell off the guard tower. -heretikkk